#209 From Performance to Presence: My Path from Soul Drain to Soul Gain

A reflection through the 4th pillar of The Souling Seven: Integration Over Perfection

I lived a performance-based life. Not just metaphorically.

I literally spent more years in a costume than not.

Twirling a baton. Dancing across stages.

Marching in parades. Competing in competitions.

Sequins. Applause. Perfectly placed smiles.

And while I didn’t care much about winning,

it gave me so much more than a trophy ever could.

It gave me a place to escape.

A stage where I could be seen… while staying safely unseen inside.

Because dance, for me, was never just movement.

It was a way to hold it all together. To keep up the image.

To control the chaos within.

But the performance didn’t end with childhood.

It shapeshifted.

Into bodybuilding.

Into high-intensity races, where strength was measured in mud and medals.

Into media moments, photoshoots, news segments.

I looked strong. I sounded confident. I inspired people.

But I was still performing wellness. Performing strength.

Performing a version of myself that was easier to applaud than to truly know.

The truth is, this all started even earlier.

From as far back as I can remember, appearance mattered.

There were comments about not being the cutest baby.

A “cute stage,” followed by an “ugly phase.”

One year, I was dropped off at modeling lessons… the next, dressed as Buster Brown for Halloween because of a haircut gone bad.

And don’t even get me started on the outfits…hair ties, socks, and shoes always matched.

I was styled to be seen.

And yes, I received love. But I rarely felt it.

At church, women would gush over my beautiful dresses

and I’d smile, all polished and put together…

feeling more like a show pony than a child.

It may sound like a silly thing to grieve,

but it shaped me.

It taught me early on that love often looked like approval.

That beauty was currency. That belonging meant looking the part.

So I kept performing.

Even in solitude, I curated.

My Barbie house was an escape into a world where I could finally feel home.

I’m pretty sure my soul lived there before I gave her a place in my real life.

I want to be clear…

This isn’t about shame or blame. I visited those two for some time…

That was an even bigger self-induced disservice.

My parents did the best they knew how.

But little did any of us realize how deep that conditioning ran.

And all the while, I never really felt like I belonged.

Because truthfully?

I didn’t.

Not to just one place.

God had me meant for everywhere.

And now I understand why.

The Mirror Moment

It all came to a head the day I stood in front of a mirror and was asked to truly look.

Not at my body.

Not at my pose.

But at me.

And it wasn’t just a metaphor.

That mirror moment came when my physical body, my strongest identity, lost its ability to move.

The very thing I had built my worth around… collapsed.

My body, the thing I had performed through, sculpted, shown off, and hidden behind,

said: No more.

That’s when the truth stared back at me…raw, unmoving, undeniable.

It wasn’t a punishment.

It was a profound invitation.

To stop performing and start integrating.

To feel instead of force.

To surrender instead of strive.

And while that season was excruciating,

I hold no regret.

Only gratitude.

Because my body’s revolt saved my soul.

It still reminds me, even now.

It whispers: Come home again.

Integration Over Perfection

Now, I still like to match. I still love a good outfit.

But these days, I dress my outside to reflect my inside.

I giggle when my earrings match my shoes, not because I need the validation,

but because I enjoy the expression.

People still stop me to compliment how I look.

The difference is I no longer need it.

I simply receive it.

Because I now live from my own love of self,

instead of contorting into what I think everyone else wants to see.

This is the sacred unraveling of the fourth pillar in The Souling Seven:

Integration Over Perfection.

“I don’t chase perfection anymore. I chase wholeness.”

It has always been mine.

I let the messy and the magnificent mingle.

I let the past inform me, not perform me.

I no longer dance for approval, I move from my soul.

And if you’ve ever found yourself dressed to be seen,

while quietly aching to be known,

if you’ve ever shaped yourself to fit in

when your soul was screaming for freedom,

then you’re not alone.

Integration is the work of a lifetime.

But it’s also the most beautiful homecoming.

From soul drain to soul gain…

This is the path I walk.

And this is your invitation to join me.

Soul Setting Prompt

Where in your life are you still performing for approval instead of living from presence?

What would it look like to soften that today and move from soul instead?

With truth, tenderness, and a touch of sass,

~Mindy

The Souling Method